A while back, I saw a post titled: 5 “Compliments’ to stop giving (even when you mean well) and my first initial thought came with a heavy eye roll 🙄.

Not because I think every compliment is great or even genuine, but because it made me think of all the ways we overcomplicate kindness.

It was giving the same energy that comes up when someone gets upset over being wished “Happy Holidays instead of “Merry Christmas” (and vice versa).

We bring our own shit into every interaction and have gotten really good at dissecting every nice thing someone says.

We question it. Pick it apart. Try to find what’s really being implied.

👉 “Did they mean it?”

👉 “Was that passive-aggressive?”

👉 “Are they trying to manipulate me / push an agenda / take credit for my achievement?”

👉 “It wasn’t very specific. Are they just patronizing me?”

Yet when some near-stranger sends an email telling us our problems all boil down to mindset, or that we’re not successful because we aren’t doing enough…

We consider it. We absorb it. We turn it over in our minds. We let it stick.

I don’t know about you but, that feels backwards to me.

So here’s a little challenge I’ve been giving myself—and now I’m giving it to you too:

Take the compliment.

Even if it’s awkward. Even if it’s not as specific as you’d like. Even if it comes out clunky and potentially problematic.

Receive it. Believe it. Maybe even say:

— Yeah, I’m proud of myself too.
— It wasn’t perfect, but I was brave as hell to try.
— I did my best and learned a lot. That matters, and I’m glad I did it.
— I’m carrying a lot, and I’m doing it with grace.

And on the flip side, when you get hit with criticism dressed up as “tough love” or mindset advice?

Try this response on for size:

“That’s obviously not true.”

Now, I’m not saying ignore all advice. Some of it’s solid. But don’t treat it like gospel.

Be curious, not self-critical.

Read the thing. Listen to the podcast. Watch the webinar.

And while you do? Ask:

👉 “Is this actually helpful for me?”

👉 “What here is true for me, not just feels true or is triggering?”

You’re allowed to be curious about advice without internalizing it.

You’re allowed to believe nice things people say without needing a three-paragraph explanation for why they said it.

(👆That might just be a note to self).

TL;DR Take the compliment, question the advice. That is all.

xo,
Sandra

Ps—In case you’re wondering, the compliments the post recommended to stop giving were.

• I’m so proud of you
• Nice try
• Awww, that’s great
• That was so brave
• How do you do it all

To be fair, none of these are great.

Pps—For giggles, I asked Chatgpt what it thought about these compliments. Here’s what it said (surprisingly good analysis).

1. “I’m so proud of you”

✅ Generally considered a compliment, but with nuance.

This one usually lands as a positive, affirming statement, especially when coming from someone you respect or love. It can feel empowering and warm. However, in some contexts—particularly when it comes from someone who isn’t in a mentor, parent, or cheerleader role—it can feel condescending or patronizing, like they’re putting themselves in a position of authority over you. It’s got “power dynamic” baggage.

Example of when it’s gold: From your bestie after you finally launch your course. Example of when it’s weird: From an acquaintance you haven’t spoken to in 6 years, and they commented it on a Facebook post.

2. “Nice try”

❌ Rarely a compliment.

This one lives in the land of backhanded compliments and passive-aggressive put-downs. It’s what people say when you didn’t succeed, and they want to acknowledge the effort… but also really want you to know you failed. It’s the participation ribbon of praise.

Best case: Used genuinely by a coach encouraging effort. Worst case: Said with a smirk by someone who definitely didn’t mean it nicely.

3. “Awww, that’s great!”

🟡 Could be a compliment… but often isn’t taken seriously.

This one’s kind of a wildcard. Tone and delivery matter a lot. When delivered with enthusiasm and sincerity, it can totally be a sweet little compliment. But if it’s too high-pitched or paired with a dismissive head tilt, it can come off as patronizing or dismissive—as in, “Oh look at you doing your cute little business thing!”

Tip: Swap this out for something specific and sincere, like “That’s such an awesome win! Tell me more!”

4. “That was so brave.”

✅ Usually a compliment, but depends on context.

This one has noble intentions. It’s acknowledging courage, which is great. But it can sometimes imply that what you did was unusually difficult or unexpected—like it’s a surprise you were capable of it. Context matters here. If someone’s sharing a vulnerable story or trying something big and new, it can be affirming. But if they just changed their Zoom background and you say this… maybe calm down.

5. “How do you do it all?”

❌ Disguised as a compliment, often not received that way.

This is one of those classic “complisults.” On the surface, it looks like admiration. But underneath, it can sound like judgment—or like someone’s pointing out that you’re doing too much. It can also feel performative, like they’re not really asking but just marveling at your chaos for sport.

Pro tip: If you want to actually affirm someone’s capacity, say something like, “You’re juggling so much with such grace—it’s impressive.”
​